More Maori Love...

Secondary Embarrassment

Secondary embarrassment is when you feel deep shame for someone else's actions.

It's what I feel when I watch Brad Pit spout angst-ridden poetry written by misunderstood ninth grader in this cheesetacular fragrance commercial.

Obviously he lost a bet with someone and this was his punishment.

Oh, my God. His poor children.

Christmas in Cancun

This is how one makes a snowman in the tropics.

Jules sets off my lily white everything.

The Santa hat on the left doubles as a wind sock.

Jules gets glittery

For reasons that escape me, this carousel lion was given testicles.

This is the position my son assumes when he is getting ready to kick up sand.

If I turn my back on the impending storm, maybe it will go away.

Most of my favorite DJs were set to play in Cancun exactly two days after I left.  Tiesto, Avicii and David Guetta were also coming. Frickidity frackin frick!

Just What I Need

I went out to my usual Indian food haunt a few weeks ago and I met a nice sailor from DLI. After he returned to work I was left with the talkative older man that had been sitting next to him at the bar.

This presumptuous creature proceeded to tell me that I was carrying too much anger and that he could make it go away forever. He also said he could make me "more feminine." You'd have thought I was dressed in men's slacks, sporting a mullet and speaking of my eternal passion for K.D. Lang. Even if I was, that wouldn't mean I was less feminine- just that I worked at a mining camp in the Northern Territory of Canada.

There is nothing quite like having a perfect stranger (and a man no less) tell you that he can make you more "feminine."

I don't know what sort of New Age hogwash he's into but I imagine it involves "healing crystals" and an overly tactile form of chakra alignment.

First of all, I like my anger. It reminds me not to go near certain people or pay heed to them when they start spouting nonsense. It has allowed me to take four years of wanton abuse against my person by the U.S. Coast Guard and channel it into a scathing memoir that will hopefully shame the organization into making several much-needed reforms.

Second, I'm not about to let some man tell me how to behave acceptably within my own gender. I spent my formative years having the Southern Baptist try unsuccessfully to do the same and I have zero tolerance for this sort of thing.

Where does this asshat get off?

Did I saunter up to him and say, "That mala hanging around your neck smacks of a Caucasian desperation to appear enlightened?" No. I didn't. I merely thought it to myself while he was rambling on about "working with me to cure my ills."

Another day, another snake oil salesman.  

Watch Out For Those "Nice Guys"

A recently created Tumblr page called "Nice Guys of OkCupid" drew my attention to a particular flavor of passive aggressive misogyny that tries to pass itself off as something wholesome.

These pages are filled with the musings of self-proclaimed "Nice Guys" who all seem to have a poor command of the English language and a huge sense of entitlement.

What are the habits of a Nice Guy, you ask?

Here are some highlights:

He tells anyone who will listen how nice he is.

He whines about holding the hand of Girl X when she is weeping over some other guy who dumped her or hasn't noticed her existence.

He wonders why, even though he's never said anything directly about it, Girl X just can't read his mind and see that he's the one  it she should be with.

He pretends to listen and be concerned when Girl X is talking, all the while looking for a chance to initiate physical contact.

He thinks that being "nice" entitles him to certain things-like having sex with Girl X at some point.

If Girl X rejects him outright, she turns into a slut, whore or bitch. Also she is stupid.

He lumps millions of "girls" into the same category saying, "they only want to date assholes." He concludes that he should just "become an asshole", not realizing that he already is one.

He has a never-ending supply of self-pity and a serious victim complex.

The parts of this Tumblr page that are particularly disturbing are the ones where the "Nice Guys" respond to the questions OkCupid has given them.

One actually wrote that "A 'No' is just a 'Yes' that needs a little convincing."

Another one answered in the affirmative to the question, "Do you feel there are any circumstances in which a person is obligated to have sex with you?"

Several others said they felt that the man should be the head of the household.

Reasons for the singleness of the "Nice Guy" have never been more clear.

For more classy "Nice Guy" moments visit:

niceguysofokc.tumblr.com

Tommy Triangle: Champion of Percussion

This post, like many I have written in the past on other blogs is largely a bunch of nonsense. There. I've admitted it. Let's get on, shall we?

The NPR and I were headed down the highway the other day when a song from Carmen blasted out from the radio. I was suddenly amused by the persistent tinkling sound of a triangle that I had never heard before. "Listen to that," I said, "Someone is playing the hell out of that triangle!"

From my imagination, I crafted an entire life narrative for a young triangle genius I named "Tommy." 

He had been plucked from Mr. Snerdly's 6th grade band class by a visiting youth orchestra director who declared that he had "perfect timing." 

From there he would be catapulted to International stardom, playing with great orchestras around the world. 

He would stand in the back with the other percussionist, wearing a tuxedo and following through sheet music composed almost entirely of rests until the peak moment came. He would then ding his triangle with uncanny skill. 

The fierceness of his gesture would cause his carefully shellacked hair to fall forward into his eyes and require a strong head toss to settle it back in its original position.

The NPR and I giggle at the thought of this. 

I took my inspiration from the following image that I saw on Failblog a long time ago:

Not all at once ladies.

Happy Holidays Y'all!

I'm not a fan of Christmas- that's why I always try to run away when it comes around. However, there are other festive moments that have been made more delightful by the company of good friends.

Last night I had a party at my place to celebrate the conclusion of my U.S./Mexico Relations class. It was lovely.

My good friend Soleil also invited me and some of our classmates to do Thanksgiving at her house. I love parties where I'm not required to cook.

In a few weeks I'll be in Mexico getting a tan on a white sandy beach. Hope your holidays are nice too.