I returned to the
small town to visit friends.
I was told that C
would be at their home doing his laundry but I planned on ignoring him and didn’t
foresee any problems.
I don’t know C that
well. He has a reputation for pontificating on philosophy and being highly argumentative
but I had never personally gotten into any heated discussions with him so I
couldn’t have known what was in store.
I arrived at J and L’s
house and made a vague nod toward C. What I really wanted to do was sprawl on
some piece of furniture and get lost in the novelization of Jane Campion’s “The
Piano.”
Somehow, some awful
way, it was decided that J and L would host an impromptu cookout and that C and
I should be the ones to go buy the meat.
C began acting nervous
as if someone were forcing him into a small cage with a lioness. I was highly irritated
by this.
“Would you like to
drive?” I asked sarcastically. “Oh that’s right, you can’t!”
This was a low blow on
my part because C’s license was suspended for driving under the influence.
We started off on our
meat safari chatting with a forced politeness. After about 15 minutes we were
speaking of my mentor from the town who had passed away last year and C
launched into an dreadful attack on his character, painting him as a hack,
professional failure, letch and all around terrible person because he worked
for Texaco back at the dawn of time. I asked him if he had ever made a mistake
before in his life but this only accelerated his assault on my old friend. I then
asked him if it was lonely up there on his cross and he said my comment was “stupid.”
We managed some sort
of civility in the store and even managed to chat on the drive back about the
Michigan boarding school I attended which was near where he grew up.
All of a sudden, we
were arguing again. He was attacking my military service and desire to work as
a diplomat.
He then committed the
fatal error of saying “you don’t understand.”
My mother often says
this to me, usually when we are discussing something political or religious and
she wants to insinuate that I have been living in a cave somewhere and have no
idea what I’m talking about.
Nothing incenses me quite like this phrase.
No, of course I don’t
understand. I’ve only served in two branches of the military and am completing
a master’s program in International Policy.
Poor sheltered me!
I told C there were
two kinds of people in the world; those who complain about the problem and
those who figure out how to do something about it. He said there was a third
option and I asked what it was. He said it would take too long to explain and I offered
to slow my driving speed. He then began to make ad hominem attacks in which he
posited that I was naïve and idiotic. He seemed to have decided that I was on
the opposite side of whatever his point of view was (without actually knowing
my thoughts) and he insinuated that I was both morally and ethically bankrupt.
This was never more apparent than when he was talking about the evils of the wars
in Iraq and Afghanistan. Obviously, he thought of me as their personal
cheerleader and number one fan.
I went tearing up J
and L’s driveway calling C “the biggest a-hole I had ever met” and yelling at
him to get the hell away from me.
I sought refuge with L
while C wandered over to J –probably to make some sweeping generalizations
about womankind. I told L I had always instinctually felt the need to dislike C
and now had concrete reasons for doing so. She likened him to Holden Caulfield saying
that to him, everyone else was a fake and he was the only true thing. She also
said that he tended to lash out verbally when he felt nervous around people. My
temper was somewhat calmed by the idea of him being so terrified of my beauty
and intellect that he felt defensive. It was pitiful and flattering at the same
time.
I decided to try being
civil. I walked out onto the patio and told him I thought he was a bit of
jerk but I still liked him.
That might have done
the trick if we both hadn’t started drinking.
As guests continued to
arrive, the fireworks between C and I were amped up to a spectacular degree. He said I was a giant
leap backward for womankind and I mused that men like him were the reason why I
continued to have such low expectations for his gender. He said I was a
powerful argument for suicide and I offered to search the nearby shed for a rusty
farm implements that might do the trick.
When performing
character assassinations in English became too easy, we switched to Spanish.
At one point I got so
mad that I pushed him in the chest.
This shocked me for
two reasons:
1 I abhor
physical violence
2 His chest
was firmer than I anticipated.
Had I been a bit more
sober I might have realized that C repeatedly tried to seek refuge from me in
different parts of the house.
As the guests started
to leave and I threw myself down on a couch in the living room. I loudly asked
J when he was “taking the a-hole home” while C was standing right beside him.
I went to bed
thereafter, only to later be awoken by the sound of C snoring on the couch in
the living room. Instead of drifting off to sleep I stayed up for a few more
hours thinking of mean comments to hurl at him in the morning.
When I finally did get
up he was already gone.
Throughout the rest of
the day, L told me how I had stalked after him in the house and taken great
pleasure in publicly berating him.
At first I felt
triumphant for out-bullying the bully but then I began to realize that he had
been trying to avoid me for most of the night and I was the one who kept at
him.
In the story “Peter
Pan,” the treacherous Captain Hook is constantly self reflecting on his actions
and asking himself if any of them were in bad form. He simply can’t bare the
idea of being in bad form. I realized that I had been in bad form with C the
entire evening and I began to feel deeply ashamed of myself.
C is obviously intelligent but the impact of
his ideas is overshadowed by the abrasive way in which they are expressed. His
overwhelming hubris combined with his pompous tone and caustic retorts would
wear out the most patient of saints.
I can’t think of a
more tragic, nervous affliction to have. The person being verbally assaulted by
him is left with the desire to clarify their position, argue their point and
defend their good name all at once. This, of course, is impossible.
After I stewed in the
shame of my actions for a few days, I asked J to take me to C’s house so I
could apologies. He agreed and I stood before C in a state of absolute
contrition. I asked that he pardon me for my crass and belligerent behavior and
he graciously did. I was relieved and immediately began to feel that all was
right with the world again. I listened as he and J spoke to each other and
vowed to keep silent for the duration. Before we left, C shook my hand and I
was happy.
I think I’ll stick to
drinking water the next time I’m around him.
