This weekend the country will celebrate Mother's Day.
I probably wouldn't have noticed had it not been for the nauseating commercials reminding us all to "do something mum will love."
Apparently, moms love the color pink, chocolate, cheap jewelry, cookery books and flowers. You know, non threatening, "feminine" stuff.
When it's not their special day, television commercials tell me that moms enjoy cleaning up messes made by children while their husbands sit idly by and pretend not to know what's going on.
They also get orgasmic pleasure from getting stains out of clothing.
Sometimes they need to be reassured that their cleaning product is scientifically proven at which point a man in a lab coat will materialize and confirm this. He will never do the actual cleaning himself because this is clearly women's work. Sometimes he won't wear a lab coat at all, he'll just show up in a tight white t-shirt and nod his bald head approvingly while the woman toils away at a spot or stain.
The road to becoming a mother is interesting. A woman gets to swell, stretch, grow hair, lose hair, get heartburn, vomit, lose bladder control and cry for no apparent reason. She gets to have body aches, sleepless nights, constipation, dizziness and sometimes gestational diabetes and a worsening of her eyesight. These are the experiences that are internal and known to her only.
The external experience includes being treated like an absolute idiot by the doctors and nurses who are tasked with caring for her. None of her thoughts or feelings will be valid to them because they are the medical professionals, not her.
If she has a job then she gets to hear people say "congratulations" before they begin acting like she's a great burden on everyone and inconveniencing them in some way. (This is why she didn't get paid as much as her male coworkers. She just couldn't be counted on not to breed.)
If she wishes to return to work after having the child she will get to battle society's judgment of her as being a "bad, self-centered woman" and she will battle with her own inner guilt that she's abandoning her child.
Other women who have become mothers before her will judge her for how she dresses, feeds, educates and plays with her children. Nothing she ever does will be good enough.
Her thoughtful and progressive partner/husband/boyfriend (if she's not left to raise the child alone) will swear he is going to be a hands-on dad before the baby is born.
After the baby is born he will conveniently be absent when the unpleasant hands-on tasks are required. He will tell her that he would love to get up four times in the night with the little one but, as he has to work at his job in the morning, he needs his sleep more than her.
No matter how many tasks she completes in the day, no matter how clean the house, how delicious the meals or how clean the laundry there will be no praise or appreciation. This is not real work. There is no income or potential for promotion. This is just what women do because of biology and stuff.
Her progressive male other will come home and tell her how exhausted he is from working all day. He will shake his head at her in disbelief when she claims to be exhausted too.
How could she be? Doesn't she know how lucky she is to look after a child all day. He wishes he could but unfortunately, he has to work.
If the mother expects any sympathy from greater society she's out of luck. Greater society has made it clear that women are expected to work at home and rear children. Children are a blessing. Always. No exceptions.
So ingrained is the idea of women as nurturing caregivers and keepers of the home that a curious phenomena occurs when a man makes the slightest effort in those arenas.
If he looks after the child while its mother goes out he is called a "baby sitter." If he occasionally cooks or picks up after himself a woman is told she is "so lucky." With the smallest of contributions he becomes an epic hero who is to be praised and lauded. So little is expected of him after ejaculation.
When I expressed the need to get out of the house and get some mental stimulation after my son was born I was asked why I had had a child if I didn't want to spend time with him. My takeaway there; women are basic, simple creatures. Wanting more than to be cooped up with a demanding, apple-cheeked tyrant all day is unnatural and needs to be discouraged at every turn.
There is another uncomfortable truth about mothers; some of them are shit at it.
Some leave or spend all their time ruining the lives of their children. (Has no one seen the film "Mommy Dearest?")
And what of the women who are unable to have children? What of the women who don't want children?
I guess they just have to sit by and watch those of us who have get "spoiled" with pink flowers, chocolates, cheap jewelry and cookery books.
These are our rewards for being good girls who did what was expected of us. It's our one day to be praised for not pushing too hard against society's expectations of who we are and what we should do.
Happy Mother's Day conformists!
