Selling Jesus

On Saturday morning I was having a relaxing spell reading in bed when I saw a man and a young girl walk up the front porch steps.

The doorbell rang and I steeled my nerves for a quick, firm refusal.

I opened the door glanced at the pamphlet in the man's hands.

This confirmed my suspicion that he was a Jehovah's Witness.

"I'm not interested," I said.

He nodded his assent and turned to leave.

I went to my bedroom and seethed.

There are few things that irk my sense of social decency more than someone showing up unsolicited at my house to tell me I've been doing life the wrong way.

This is the third group of witnesses the church has sent by. I missed the second visit but they left some of their "literature" on the doorstep. On the first visit a woman actual launched into a speech about how I and others like me had lost touch of what really mattered in life.

I was deeply angered by her presumptions about me and my life and I told her I wasn't interested.

Another time a group of witnesses drove up to the house where I was babysitting some children and tried to talk to me. I got out of that one by saying I wasn't the children's parent and it wasn't my place to try and convert them.

This firm but gentle approach obviously isn't going to stop them from sending another batch of smiling, sensible shoe wearing individuals to my house.

My dream of having a duo of Mormons show up at the same time and get into a dogmatic showdown is also not likely to occur.

I fantasize about getting a large, rabid looking mastiff whom I will name Brutus and keep on a thick chain leash.

When the witnesses come I will make a show of struggling to keep him at bay while explaining he has a high intolerance for the scent of theology.

I also thought about posting a sign at the front gate saying "If I am interested in being brainwashed by your particular brand of crazy, I will come and visit you. No religious soliciting."

I wish there was a law against home visits.

I think it's bad enough that they hang out in airports and public gatherings trying to push copies of The Watchtower onto anyone unfortunate enough to lock eyes with them.

There is one basic reason why these door to door faith peddlers have no chance with me.

I spent my entire childhood being told I was a bad sinner and a weak female who needed to be guided first by her father and then by her husband.

It turns out I'm not weak at all and have done just fine in my adult life without the guidance of a paternal figure.

Religions are greedy. They want your time and money and most of all, your unquestioning devotion to their version of the truth.

The scientifically gifted and intellectually curious are to be dealt to severely.

Facts and individualistic thinking are to be suppressed at all costs.

If I hadn't left the church I would probably be a cowed housewife in an abusive relationship with nowhere to go for help.

This was a reality that happened to many women I knew.

Their job was to raise the kids and keep the house. If the "head" of the house happened to be a physical, verbal and emotional tyrant, too bad. Members of her church would tell the woman it was her fault and she just needed to pray and try harder to please her husband.

If she wanted to leave there was no way because she didn't have any money. This was controlled by her husband.

There is also the matter of self righteous intolerance and the full conviction that one's beliefs are correct and everyone else is wrong and needs to repent or go to hell.

This leads individuals to go out and "witness" to the lost in hopes that they might give up their money and intellectual freedom  change their sinful ways and see the true path.

Spoiler alert: If you are a woman the true path always leads to a life of servitude and humiliation.

Aside from sexism, racism and homophobia also find their way into the supposed teachings of Christ.

It's really not fair to Jesus that he had all these great teachings about caring for the poor, loving thy neighbor, doing unto others as you would have them do unto you and judging not lest ye be judged.

These are timeless and positive messages of goodwill which are diluted and ignored daily by the Good Lord's insufferable disciples.

I can imagine Jesus listening in on a Sunday sermon in US megachurch and rubbing his temples in frustration.

As the preaching goes own his face contorts into a look of disgust and before he can stop himself he takes his father's name in vain.

By the end of the debacle he is clenching his fists and mumbling, "Just you wait until the end times!"

I know how he feels.